Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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