And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
