I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
