if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm always down for nudity.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
