I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
pop tarts are not kleenex
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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