Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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