Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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