did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
