how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize