Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
