i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
