you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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