Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
