I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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