I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
