I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
