If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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