I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
