Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
