I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
