Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
