There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
