Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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