I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
time to smoke my breakfast
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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