We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
