dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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