you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
