Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
