if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize