everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
