I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
