it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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