The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
