drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
