so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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