apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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