The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
