Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
