and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize