I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
