Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
