The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
