Already got asked if we're dating
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Text me some of your sweat
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