i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
