I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found puke in my bra..
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
