Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
