Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
