i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
