I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
