I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
