my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
