Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
