bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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