I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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