Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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